In two weeks’ time, I will be visiting with ex-colleagues of mine. I left the company in 1999 after eight years of service, but we’ve managed to get together about three times a year since then – just keeping track and have little tea parties filled with “remember when . . . “
With the last visit late last year, W (recently married) told us they’re trying for a baby and hope they’ll be successful soon. She got married late in life to a charming, funny guy who seems to be the perfect match for her and he complements her personality beautifully.
Our next reunion is planned for a Saturday afternoon in two week’s time. The news: she’s 10 weeks pregnant! (I guess you could have guessed this, no?)
And although I’m glad for them, I’m a little sad as well. At every meet, they ask me when I’m going to make a plan, don’t I want a baby, are we planning to have one, don’t I want to be a mother?
And I’m just a little bit afraid that the rest will put a damper on their joy because I’m there. Should I stay away? But I really want to see them as one of the older couples are moving down to the Cape in the first week of May and this will be sort of a farewell party for them.
And I know that I’ll be really, really happy for W and I’ll make jokes and I’ll smile and I’ll take a teddy for the little peanut-to-be, but I’m a little sad as well.
Do I want someone to give me a baby? YES. NO. I don’t know.
Do I want a baby? YES.
Do I want to adopt? NO. I want to experience a little life growing in me for myself if at all possible.
Am I full of shit? YES. NO. Probably.
Am I babbling? YES. Because I’m a little nervous.
Do I HAVE to have a baby? Now, I don’t think so. Later, maybe. I don’t know.
What I know is this: I will go. I am truly happy for them. I am a little bit sad – only a little bit, but still. I’ll smile. I’ll joke. I’ll know.
And I’m not THAT sad, just a little twinge . . .
Krista
I know this might sound easier than it is, but maybe a way to respond to and challenge your thoughts and feelings is by considering the advice you would give a friend who came to you bearing these same q’s…
Talk to yourself as if you were that special friend – one whose well-being and happiness is important to you; one you’d want to comfort and console or cheer up, because she means the world to you. That is how you need to answer. We tend to be much less gentle and compassionate towards ourselves than others – NOT that I’m saying to pity and pamper yourself into depression, but if your way of talking to friends is one of directness, support and postitive guidance and encouragement – then do and act and talk like that to yourself. I wish I had all the answers – but I don’t. I wish I knew how you felt – but I don’t.
As long as you remember this: Your worth as ……. (put your name here) is measured by your fulfilment of being YOU – regardless of your being a woman, 20, 40 or 60, tall or short, skinny or plump, a wife or a mother – and that worth must always come first! That worth must be strong enough to face all your other challenges, actions and whatever life has in store for you.
No easy way on this one…
Sterkte Krista..
You may know that we grappled with the same issues. And I found my perception of what other people thought more difficult than my own feelings about it. Some people are going to understand your sometimes conflicting emotions about it and others won’t. Go, enjoy it and if you are feeling a little sad – that’s okay too.
Sorry dat dit jou hartjie seer maak. Jy weet ek sou vir jou help as ek enigsins kon. Jy is altyd welkom om Nicky vir die dag….wel, eintlik al 3 vir wat dit werd is, te leen en te pretend dat hulle joune is. In hulle hartjies is jy tog hulle sin!
Weet jy, ek lewer nooit hier kommentaar nie, want dit maak my so hartseer, maar laat ek nou vir jou dit sê, as dit enigsins in my mag was en ek dit enigsins kon doen en daar enigsins ‘n manier was, SOU ek vir jou en joune die mooiste, mooiste klein engeltjie uitgesoek en ingeplant het, want julle twee onbehoorlike dierbare goeters verdien net die mooiste en beste en wonderlikste…. (((((((((((K+J))))))))))))))
Dankie Pikkie. Moet asb nie dat die hartseer jou keer om te comment nie! Ek lurv julle comments en terugvoer en omgee!